we're blogging at a bar
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
