Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
