Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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