well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
