We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
