I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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