For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize