I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
