When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize