he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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