Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize