It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
