i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
