I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i think i just lost a toe
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
