By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
