I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
