I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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