life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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