ya dads aren't the best wingmen
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
