so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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