You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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