ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
