I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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