4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
