Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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