Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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