I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
