i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
