drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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