we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The Olympian is in my bed
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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