Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
