I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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