checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
