Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
