I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
