Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
