currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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