Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
