The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
