Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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