i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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