I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
