i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
