today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
