wrigley field is MILF paradise
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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