I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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