So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize