My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
