I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i came on her dog
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
