Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
