Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
