In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
