the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Found your dick twin last night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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