Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
