sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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