he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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