and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
