I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
