I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
