You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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