On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
