It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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