My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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