:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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