Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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