You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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