I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
