You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
