i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize