Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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